Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Was it something I said?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.