Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Guantanamo Bae
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.