The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My current situation
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.