My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths