1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?