Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.