4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*