My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Holy shit he’s back
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up