It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles