If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.