Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
just make the entire table out of coaster
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me trying to “trust the process”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.