A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.