I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
You Might Also Like
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.