ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Tough love is true love
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*seductively eats two tums*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!