A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
This sounds bad:
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms