I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
You Might Also Like
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow