A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?