The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
figuring out my emotional availability:
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”