My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.