Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
HERE’S MARKY
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *