They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
😂😂
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.