Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.