You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
God has left this place
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.