I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Human are so complicated
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you