My dad.
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Accurate
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?