suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Remember folks 😂
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.