Thursday
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now