I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?