[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-