ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on