*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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😬
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”