*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Can’t stop laughing
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you