Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
And that about sums it up.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you