One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Ain’t no way
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors