“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.