I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok