Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*puts my mental health in rice
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then