How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.