DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.