Give a baker flours on your first date.
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you