[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.