Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.