Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me, reading some of your tweets