The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If you breakdance you buy dance.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.