I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?