When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You Might Also Like
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.