Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Fiction has to make sense.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.