ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.