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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let鈥檚 get you home
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Interviewer: “Your r茅sum茅 says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My teen can鈥檛 seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 馃 commenting like it鈥檚 ya first time ever seeing the picture
I鈥檓 never sure what to do with my hands when I鈥檓 eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.