Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.